We are remembering Danny especially keenly today. A year already has passed since we said our goodbyes to him in person, but we have had so many goodbyes in other ways since then. Each "first" without him is another sort of goodbye. This "first" is hard, the first anniversary of our first day without his smile, his laugh, his hugs, his jokes, his little "neepneep" noise he made when he gave you a little tickle. But never ever without his love -- he gave my Mom, my sisters, my brother, his sons-in-law, his grandchildren, his family and friends, and me a tremendous gift of unconditional love.
Today I held off on the tears, waiting until the pressures of the day were done so I could just think about him. I took a rose from my bush to the dock and wished he could have spent more time at our home in Michigan. I spent some time at the tree we planted in his memory in our yard and wondered about how it will keep growing over the years, marking one more year that we held him in our memories. I watched the DVD of pictures we made last year and wept and laughed, and then wept and laughed some more. I reread the letter I wrote to him this summer when we buried his ashes in Olalla. Here is part of it:
"Even though you were not a religious person, I learned a lot about God from you. That you can be angry with someone and still love them immeasurably. That you can love someone without putting conditions on them. That it is best to put the needs of others first, even if you are tired and sick. That every life is worthy of honor and respect, that people are more important than anything. I think about how you received us with open arms and pure joy whenever any of your kids or grandkids came to visit, and how safe it felt to come “home” into your hugs.
"I miss:
Barbecuing steaks from Al’s
Bringing you a beer
Eating Dove Bars
Talking to you on the phone
Sitting together in the mornings before others woke up, patting each other’s hands and drinking coffee
Sharing recipes once we both realized what great cooks we were
Talking about the future
Laughing at Mom together
Wrapping Mom’s Christmas presents for you
Big Breakfasts
Having you teach me Pinochle AGAIN
Playing Cribbage with you
Having you call me whenever you heard the Cougs had won
Hearing you laugh so hard you snorted
Your silly sayings like “I got all my hairs cut”, and “can’t get up, can’t get out”
Watching you pretend you didn’t like chocolate, cats, dogs, or my jokes
Watching you patiently work on your HoneyDo lists, and just shake your head as she swept the floor AGAIN
Watching you share tender moments with my Mom."
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At the burial I talked about the way I would live my life to honor his life, his legacy. I asked my nieces and nephews to store up all their memories of who Papa was to them so that their stories will make him real to their future cousins that Martin and I and Darren and his future mate will bring into the family. I asked my siblings and their spouses to think about what they would like to carry on in their life to honor him.
Right now the most important thing for Martin and I is to do what he did for my sister Keri and me: "I will try to raise our future children to learn that family is created not by blood, but by love, and with humor and patience I will help them to heal and to grow and to love others". I know he would be so excited at the steps we are taking to add to our family. I just so wish I could talk to him about it...
Kel
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