We have had quite a few questions from family and friends about the family study! I guess you all get to experience the hurry up and wait process with us!
We finished our 2 meetings in our home with a social worker. He seemed very positive about how he would write his report. He forewarned us that he would be at a conference all of last week so he didn't expect to have our report done any earlier than this week. He HAS to be done by mid-Oct in order to be paid (he is a contract worker with our agency), so he is motivated to get finished also ;). We will get to see his report and sign off on it before he turns it in. I know you all want to know "how long before you adopt after that". You can guess that answer. It depends...
Through this experience we have been learning, and continue to learn, that God often tells us the WHAT he is calling us to, but doesn't always reveal the WHEN. Remember it was almost exactly 3 years ago that Martin and I felt we had a clear calling to adopt. We assumed at that time we would adopt an infant within that year. Then a few months later we had the devastating news that I had cancer again. I was crushed, wondering if I had NOT heard from God after all. But our hearts, the Word of God, the community of Christ followers around us, and the circumstances in our lives continue to point to our call to be parents. He has given us a heart for the fatherless - His heart. It is His call to the entire Church, and some of us fulfill that by adoption.
The delay had many purposes, one was for us to think through more HOW we would adopt and we realized we are not called to adopt the voluntarily placed infant. Through this time He has also prepared us through training provided by the state, led us to an agency that specializes in what we want to do, shown us mercy through loss - the same mercy we will need to have for our future children, and I think has even worked on the hearts of particular family and friends to be ready to extend love in very special ways to our family. We have always had confidence that our children will be accepted and loved by both our families. But events on both sides in the last few years has given all of us (grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins) I think a bigger sense of mission and purpose for what we embark on now!
So, if you get impatient, remember that Abraham and Sarah had to wait MUCH longer than this for their promised Isaac. We are not going to grab at Ishmael - we will wait for our "Isaac" - for God's plan. And in the meantime rejoice that we are not 75 years old and trying to do this!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Happy Birthday Martin!
Today is Martin's 36th birthday. I teased him this morning that he is on the downhill slide towards 40 now, and he teased back that he is just following my lead.
Anyone that knows him can't help but see that Martin is one of the friendliest people they will ever meet. I am so blessed by him everyday, and it is such an honor to know him like no one else does. As an ode to Martin's 36 years, I made a list of 36 things I love about Martin. Of course, there are countless things I love about him, but I have years to tell you about that!
1. He is a man after God’s heart, especially when it comes to loving the orphan, the widow, the refugee, and the hurting
2. His big brown eyes
3. His kissable mouth
4. The way he hugs
5. He loves to spark kids’ curiousity
6. He is playful
7. He is creative
8. How patient he is when he teaches students Chemistry
9. He is curious
10. His willingness to do the icky jobs in our renovations, like taking out toilets and mudding walls
11. He loves dogs
12. His passion for what interests him (like football, the ecology, yogurt, baking, music)
13. He likes to learn new things
14. He shovels our whole driveway in the winter without complaining that I rarely help him
15. He picks up dog poo in the backyard so I can get done mowing faster
16. He makes a great pot of coffee
17. He has a quirky sense of humor
18. He is really patient with me when I am moody
19. He gets up with the dogs in the morning so I can sleep a little while longer
20. He lets me keep feeding birds even though it draws water fowl and squirrels into our yard
21. He thinks I’m beautiful and sexy even though I do not fit the “ideal” of beauty today
22. He is merciful to people who are ill, hurting, poor, hungry, sad, lonely, etc.
23. He is one of those guys who is the friend to other guys that they can call when they need to talk or cry and he never makes them feel weak for doing it.
24. He didn’t give up on the Lions until TODAY after years of hope – he is THAT loyal!
25. He kills spiders and other bugs for me
26. He doesn’t make me feel bad when my leg twitching disturbs his sleep
27. He loves ethnic food
28. He has a beautiful singing voice
29. He confronts me when I’m being a jerk
30. He stood with my family in the most difficult days we faced
31. He has stood by me in sickness and in health
32. He makes me feel significant
33. He loves his family
34. He loves the food I cook, but isn’t afraid to be honest if it didn’t turn out right so I don’t waste my time making something he didn’t like again!
35. He makes me popcorn the old-fashioned way
36. And he’s really good at…okay that’s private!
Martin - I love you! Happy Birthday,
Kel
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Vinyl Spackle vs. Light Compound
Our little renovation project is so much more complicated than I could imagine. We had such a busy week that we have only worked on it here and there a little bit. So far we have:
1. Taken out toilet, sink, and vanity and removed the door.
2. Taken out all tile
3. Killed all mildew
4. Stripped off 2 layers of wall paper (including the ceiling - oh and to top it off, the other layer of wall paper was the SAME wallpaper as the top layer!) and scraped off wall paper glue
5. Pulled out paneling
Martin is currently trying to repair the walls. Where the paneling was (on 2 walls), he needed to repair the tape and drywalling in the corner. Where the paneling was glued in random spots, the drywall paper had torn so he has been working on that. Where the vanity was, he has pulled off glue that helped anchor it, and has been repairing that. Where holes were created when he pulled out the cabinet, he is repairing that. Where there are random "textured" areas on the walls where the wallpaper was, he needs to skim.
So, he was using vinyl compound in some areas and ran out. I thought I would be helpful and volunteer to stop by Ace while doing some other shopping. To ease my stress, I took the empty container with me so I could just point at the container and say "I want this". I also thought I would by a sample "pod" of paint to help me decide on color.
So, after spending way too much time at Punches Pharmacy Plus (the pharmacy part of the store was sold to Walgreen's already - now they are doing massive sells on the gift shop inventory), and already having had a call from Martin wondering why I wasn't back yet, I made it to Ace. I was so relieved when a female employee saw me walk in with the container and said "Oh, I bet you want more of THAT". I'm thinking - "oh, this will be so quick", already eyeing the display of paint "pods". But I made a mistake and asked "Do you have a bigger size"? Then began the questions "Well, are you sure you need more? What are you using it for? Are you sure that is what you want to do? You will probably need a _______ (I don't even know what she said)? Don't you think you want something lighter? Let's go ask _____ "(My brain was already swirling and I can't remember the name of the man who then proceeded to treat me like a dumb woman who doesn't know her way around a hardware store - which is true...). More questions from him until I finally said "I know, I'll call him". Martin answers the phone "let me call you back, someone is at the door". So I stand there with the woman and I looking at each other (What's his face walked away from us silly women). Martin calls back and I try to explain to him what they are telling me, and as I ask the questions they have for him, he says 'uh....uh...(repeat questions back - which means Martin really wasn't paying attention)...uh...". I turn to the women with gritted teeth "He's watching the football game so this may take awhile - he can't multitask". She laughs "I know - it is challenging when you are sent to get things for someone else's project" (I'm embarrassed thinking how these is supposed to be OUR project, not Martin's project). Finally, Martin says just buy the stuff they are telling you to buy (which I think means he really doesn't know but he'll figure it out later, and that he isn't as far as maybe he had led me to believe), so I get the light compound they suggested, and also the small jar of vinyl spackle just in case...(thus the name of this blog post).
Then I go to choose a pod of paint (enough for a 2X2 area). She says "You know, this only covers a 2X2 area?". " "Yes, I know. Don't people buy this precisely for that reason- to test out a color?". "Well, yes, but let me give you this paint chip card". Which I guess means she doesn't like the color I picked out...Oh well, she won't ever be using my bathroom.
I finally get out of there, including buying a candy bar to soothe myself, and still had to go to the friendly neighborhood grocery store which, since the last time I was there, has completely been rearranged. My Diet Rite is where my English Muffins used to be. The English Muffins are where my chips used to be. The garbanzo beans are nowhere near the rest of the beans where I first look. The diced tomatos are no longer with spaghetti sauce. And there are a bunch of portable shelves filled with the items they want to get rid of now that they are rearranged, and the deals are too great to ignore...So much for a quick run to the store...
1. Taken out toilet, sink, and vanity and removed the door.
2. Taken out all tile
3. Killed all mildew
4. Stripped off 2 layers of wall paper (including the ceiling - oh and to top it off, the other layer of wall paper was the SAME wallpaper as the top layer!) and scraped off wall paper glue
5. Pulled out paneling
Martin is currently trying to repair the walls. Where the paneling was (on 2 walls), he needed to repair the tape and drywalling in the corner. Where the paneling was glued in random spots, the drywall paper had torn so he has been working on that. Where the vanity was, he has pulled off glue that helped anchor it, and has been repairing that. Where holes were created when he pulled out the cabinet, he is repairing that. Where there are random "textured" areas on the walls where the wallpaper was, he needs to skim.
So, he was using vinyl compound in some areas and ran out. I thought I would be helpful and volunteer to stop by Ace while doing some other shopping. To ease my stress, I took the empty container with me so I could just point at the container and say "I want this". I also thought I would by a sample "pod" of paint to help me decide on color.
So, after spending way too much time at Punches Pharmacy Plus (the pharmacy part of the store was sold to Walgreen's already - now they are doing massive sells on the gift shop inventory), and already having had a call from Martin wondering why I wasn't back yet, I made it to Ace. I was so relieved when a female employee saw me walk in with the container and said "Oh, I bet you want more of THAT". I'm thinking - "oh, this will be so quick", already eyeing the display of paint "pods". But I made a mistake and asked "Do you have a bigger size"? Then began the questions "Well, are you sure you need more? What are you using it for? Are you sure that is what you want to do? You will probably need a _______ (I don't even know what she said)? Don't you think you want something lighter? Let's go ask _____ "(My brain was already swirling and I can't remember the name of the man who then proceeded to treat me like a dumb woman who doesn't know her way around a hardware store - which is true...). More questions from him until I finally said "I know, I'll call him". Martin answers the phone "let me call you back, someone is at the door". So I stand there with the woman and I looking at each other (What's his face walked away from us silly women). Martin calls back and I try to explain to him what they are telling me, and as I ask the questions they have for him, he says 'uh....uh...(repeat questions back - which means Martin really wasn't paying attention)...uh...". I turn to the women with gritted teeth "He's watching the football game so this may take awhile - he can't multitask". She laughs "I know - it is challenging when you are sent to get things for someone else's project" (I'm embarrassed thinking how these is supposed to be OUR project, not Martin's project). Finally, Martin says just buy the stuff they are telling you to buy (which I think means he really doesn't know but he'll figure it out later, and that he isn't as far as maybe he had led me to believe), so I get the light compound they suggested, and also the small jar of vinyl spackle just in case...(thus the name of this blog post).
Then I go to choose a pod of paint (enough for a 2X2 area). She says "You know, this only covers a 2X2 area?". " "Yes, I know. Don't people buy this precisely for that reason- to test out a color?". "Well, yes, but let me give you this paint chip card". Which I guess means she doesn't like the color I picked out...Oh well, she won't ever be using my bathroom.
I finally get out of there, including buying a candy bar to soothe myself, and still had to go to the friendly neighborhood grocery store which, since the last time I was there, has completely been rearranged. My Diet Rite is where my English Muffins used to be. The English Muffins are where my chips used to be. The garbanzo beans are nowhere near the rest of the beans where I first look. The diced tomatos are no longer with spaghetti sauce. And there are a bunch of portable shelves filled with the items they want to get rid of now that they are rearranged, and the deals are too great to ignore...So much for a quick run to the store...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Missing Danny
"The memory of a good person is a blessing" Proverb 10:7a
We are remembering Danny especially keenly today. A year already has passed since we said our goodbyes to him in person, but we have had so many goodbyes in other ways since then. Each "first" without him is another sort of goodbye. This "first" is hard, the first anniversary of our first day without his smile, his laugh, his hugs, his jokes, his little "neepneep" noise he made when he gave you a little tickle. But never ever without his love -- he gave my Mom, my sisters, my brother, his sons-in-law, his grandchildren, his family and friends, and me a tremendous gift of unconditional love.
Today I held off on the tears, waiting until the pressures of the day were done so I could just think about him. I took a rose from my bush to the dock and wished he could have spent more time at our home in Michigan. I spent some time at the tree we planted in his memory in our yard and wondered about how it will keep growing over the years, marking one more year that we held him in our memories. I watched the DVD of pictures we made last year and wept and laughed, and then wept and laughed some more. I reread the letter I wrote to him this summer when we buried his ashes in Olalla. Here is part of it:
"Even though you were not a religious person, I learned a lot about God from you. That you can be angry with someone and still love them immeasurably. That you can love someone without putting conditions on them. That it is best to put the needs of others first, even if you are tired and sick. That every life is worthy of honor and respect, that people are more important than anything. I think about how you received us with open arms and pure joy whenever any of your kids or grandkids came to visit, and how safe it felt to come “home” into your hugs.
"I miss:
Barbecuing steaks from Al’s
Bringing you a beer
Eating Dove Bars
Talking to you on the phone
Sitting together in the mornings before others woke up, patting each other’s hands and drinking coffee
Sharing recipes once we both realized what great cooks we were
Talking about the future
Laughing at Mom together
Wrapping Mom’s Christmas presents for you
Big Breakfasts
Having you teach me Pinochle AGAIN
Playing Cribbage with you
Having you call me whenever you heard the Cougs had won
Hearing you laugh so hard you snorted
Your silly sayings like “I got all my hairs cut”, and “can’t get up, can’t get out”
Watching you pretend you didn’t like chocolate, cats, dogs, or my jokes
Watching you patiently work on your HoneyDo lists, and just shake your head as she swept the floor AGAIN
Watching you share tender moments with my Mom."
---------------------------------
At the burial I talked about the way I would live my life to honor his life, his legacy. I asked my nieces and nephews to store up all their memories of who Papa was to them so that their stories will make him real to their future cousins that Martin and I and Darren and his future mate will bring into the family. I asked my siblings and their spouses to think about what they would like to carry on in their life to honor him.
Right now the most important thing for Martin and I is to do what he did for my sister Keri and me: "I will try to raise our future children to learn that family is created not by blood, but by love, and with humor and patience I will help them to heal and to grow and to love others". I know he would be so excited at the steps we are taking to add to our family. I just so wish I could talk to him about it...
Kel
We are remembering Danny especially keenly today. A year already has passed since we said our goodbyes to him in person, but we have had so many goodbyes in other ways since then. Each "first" without him is another sort of goodbye. This "first" is hard, the first anniversary of our first day without his smile, his laugh, his hugs, his jokes, his little "neepneep" noise he made when he gave you a little tickle. But never ever without his love -- he gave my Mom, my sisters, my brother, his sons-in-law, his grandchildren, his family and friends, and me a tremendous gift of unconditional love.
Today I held off on the tears, waiting until the pressures of the day were done so I could just think about him. I took a rose from my bush to the dock and wished he could have spent more time at our home in Michigan. I spent some time at the tree we planted in his memory in our yard and wondered about how it will keep growing over the years, marking one more year that we held him in our memories. I watched the DVD of pictures we made last year and wept and laughed, and then wept and laughed some more. I reread the letter I wrote to him this summer when we buried his ashes in Olalla. Here is part of it:
"Even though you were not a religious person, I learned a lot about God from you. That you can be angry with someone and still love them immeasurably. That you can love someone without putting conditions on them. That it is best to put the needs of others first, even if you are tired and sick. That every life is worthy of honor and respect, that people are more important than anything. I think about how you received us with open arms and pure joy whenever any of your kids or grandkids came to visit, and how safe it felt to come “home” into your hugs.
"I miss:
Barbecuing steaks from Al’s
Bringing you a beer
Eating Dove Bars
Talking to you on the phone
Sitting together in the mornings before others woke up, patting each other’s hands and drinking coffee
Sharing recipes once we both realized what great cooks we were
Talking about the future
Laughing at Mom together
Wrapping Mom’s Christmas presents for you
Big Breakfasts
Having you teach me Pinochle AGAIN
Playing Cribbage with you
Having you call me whenever you heard the Cougs had won
Hearing you laugh so hard you snorted
Your silly sayings like “I got all my hairs cut”, and “can’t get up, can’t get out”
Watching you pretend you didn’t like chocolate, cats, dogs, or my jokes
Watching you patiently work on your HoneyDo lists, and just shake your head as she swept the floor AGAIN
Watching you share tender moments with my Mom."
---------------------------------
At the burial I talked about the way I would live my life to honor his life, his legacy. I asked my nieces and nephews to store up all their memories of who Papa was to them so that their stories will make him real to their future cousins that Martin and I and Darren and his future mate will bring into the family. I asked my siblings and their spouses to think about what they would like to carry on in their life to honor him.
Right now the most important thing for Martin and I is to do what he did for my sister Keri and me: "I will try to raise our future children to learn that family is created not by blood, but by love, and with humor and patience I will help them to heal and to grow and to love others". I know he would be so excited at the steps we are taking to add to our family. I just so wish I could talk to him about it...
Kel
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Baring our souls to a stranger!
Our family/home study (I'm not sure what they are called anymore - the name is changed as often as the state's department overseeing children's welfare name is changed!) is almost complete! For the last 2 Fridays Martin and I have spent the afternoon with a retired social worker who now spends time in his retirement doing these family studies for our adoption agency. He used to work with juvenile delinquents, so he says he really enjoys meeting potential adoptive families.
Besides checking out our home (cringe at having to show him the bathroom renovation that demanded our attention days before he came and assure him it is JUST mildew, not mold; cringe at Shasta barking at him incessantly while we reassure him she is good with kids; cringe as he almost steps in dog poo while he walks around the yard...); he spent hours asking us about our childhoods and families of origin, how we met, and what our relationship is like. This stranger probably knows more about us than some of our closest friends...we even learned a lot about each other in the process ("really? I never knew that about you? You did what when you were a kid?"). Sometimes it was quite uncomfortable to be talking about our parents, siblings, our school and employment history (Martin and I both took awhile to figure out what we wanted to be when we grew up).
The next immediate step is that he begins to pull together the information he gathered for the report he delivers to the agency. We get to see the report first, and sign off that we agree with the contents. Then he is done with us! From there, we work with the agency to begin the match process. I'm predicting a series of hurry up and waits!
We hear stories now all the time of people who have adopted, and usually these are great stories. I'm astonished at how many people do international adoptions. We also looked into this option, but the biggest adoption secret there is seems to be the number of AMERICAN children who desperately need forever families. We have even heard of Canadian parents adopting American children. The social worker confirmed this is true.
In case you were wondering about something I said above - we discovered a small slow leak into our toilet, and because our tile is old and the grout was wearing out and our floors slant some of that water got under our tile and began to mildew. As we began to investigate the problem, like all house projects the issue got bigger and bigger. First Martin discovered the wood in our vanity was mildewing so he had to take that out. That left a big mess on the walls, so that led to taking out the hideous wallpaper (hidden blessings!). That led to realizing we needed to take out the paneling because it was partially covered in wall paper and was a mess when we took it off. This led to the discovery of more mildew on the bottom of the paneling and on that wall behind our bathroom heater (no wonder the smell had not left). We've spent some time in the bathroom/plumbing aisles at the big box hardware stores trying to figure out what type/size of vanity cabinet is going to fit in our little square bathroom, and still be able to open the door! And pick out paint color, figure out the flooring, figure out accessories, try to decide if we want a new toilet, etc. etc. etc. ! Martin has been amazing to the project. I get sick from the smell and claustrophobic working in that room so I've tried to contribute with cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
So hopefully we wrap this up soon (most of the vanity cabinets we are considering are in stock), and continue on with other projects like our shower stall, taking out more wallpaper in other rooms, and so on and so on; while we wait (im)patiently for our family to expand!
Besides checking out our home (cringe at having to show him the bathroom renovation that demanded our attention days before he came and assure him it is JUST mildew, not mold; cringe at Shasta barking at him incessantly while we reassure him she is good with kids; cringe as he almost steps in dog poo while he walks around the yard...); he spent hours asking us about our childhoods and families of origin, how we met, and what our relationship is like. This stranger probably knows more about us than some of our closest friends...we even learned a lot about each other in the process ("really? I never knew that about you? You did what when you were a kid?"). Sometimes it was quite uncomfortable to be talking about our parents, siblings, our school and employment history (Martin and I both took awhile to figure out what we wanted to be when we grew up).
The next immediate step is that he begins to pull together the information he gathered for the report he delivers to the agency. We get to see the report first, and sign off that we agree with the contents. Then he is done with us! From there, we work with the agency to begin the match process. I'm predicting a series of hurry up and waits!
We hear stories now all the time of people who have adopted, and usually these are great stories. I'm astonished at how many people do international adoptions. We also looked into this option, but the biggest adoption secret there is seems to be the number of AMERICAN children who desperately need forever families. We have even heard of Canadian parents adopting American children. The social worker confirmed this is true.
In case you were wondering about something I said above - we discovered a small slow leak into our toilet, and because our tile is old and the grout was wearing out and our floors slant some of that water got under our tile and began to mildew. As we began to investigate the problem, like all house projects the issue got bigger and bigger. First Martin discovered the wood in our vanity was mildewing so he had to take that out. That left a big mess on the walls, so that led to taking out the hideous wallpaper (hidden blessings!). That led to realizing we needed to take out the paneling because it was partially covered in wall paper and was a mess when we took it off. This led to the discovery of more mildew on the bottom of the paneling and on that wall behind our bathroom heater (no wonder the smell had not left). We've spent some time in the bathroom/plumbing aisles at the big box hardware stores trying to figure out what type/size of vanity cabinet is going to fit in our little square bathroom, and still be able to open the door! And pick out paint color, figure out the flooring, figure out accessories, try to decide if we want a new toilet, etc. etc. etc. ! Martin has been amazing to the project. I get sick from the smell and claustrophobic working in that room so I've tried to contribute with cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
So hopefully we wrap this up soon (most of the vanity cabinets we are considering are in stock), and continue on with other projects like our shower stall, taking out more wallpaper in other rooms, and so on and so on; while we wait (im)patiently for our family to expand!
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