And the world keeps turning...

The leaves are falling, we are close to a frost, gray days are outnumbering sunny days.

Danny has been gone for six weeks now. That is 42 days. In some ways, it seems like that number is small - it has only been 42 days? Just 1.5 months? Perhaps because we have all gone through so much emotional upheaval, it seems like it has been much longer.

In other ways, that number seems so big. 42 days already? Because sometimes the memories of our last moments with him are still very sharp.

Strange things bring back keen emotions. Last night, Martin and I went to go see the new film "Dan in Real Life" (Two Thumbs Up, by the way!). On our drive to Mount Pleasant, I was thinking about Danny and could feel tears welling up. It was dark, Martin and I were both watching the road, and he did not know what I was thinking. But he suddenly started talking about a memory of Danny. Perhaps it was because we were going to a movie about a man named Dan, perhaps because it had been an emotional day already (I had been thinking about who I could call to talk about my day when I began to think about him). At any rate, he was on our minds as we went into the movie.

Early in the movie, Dan and his 3 girls arrive at his parent's vacation home. His Dad comes out to greet him, excited that they have arrived. He hugs them all, laughing and smiling. Suddenly I was crying, thinking about how excited Danny always was when I got home. I remember one time years ago arriving home, and Danny was so excited to see me that he was cracking up and squeezing me so hard I could hardly breathe. I remember how astonished I felt that I meant so much to him (I tend to assume that other people mean more to me than I do to them). In just a few more weeks, we will be going to Washington for Christmas, and I won't have that greeting and it is going to hurt...

A wise person in our lives has pointed out to Martin and I that we quickly faced crises early in our marriage (deaths, health issues, extended family issues), and didn't have the length of time many other couples have to finish building our foundation - defining our roles, setting our goals, etc. In fact, a few years ago we pulled back from volunteer leadership positions at our church to do just that - build into the foundation of our marriage. But I was in the midst of health problems, and within a few months of that decision had my cancer diagnosis, so that became the looming thing in our lives instead. So it is like we don't know how to live together anymore without being in a crisis mode, and now that life is getting "routine", we are relearning pet peeves, priorities, and habits.

Because of the # of bad news phone calls, we have realized we have stopped our long-range planning even, making it difficult to think about sitting down and filling out a large pile of forms for adoption. She wondered if we should allow ourselves the time to dream again, do more vision casting for our family life, get back to the traditions and rituals we wanted to start, before we voluntarily completely change our lives again. Certainly something to think about!

I pointed out that one way we seem to be growing together is our interest in learning a lifestyle that leaves a smaller "footprint" on the world (in terms of our ecological impact) by our food and lifestyle choices. Martin has decided to experiment with foods from a cookbook we own called "More with Less" (a Mennonite cookbook with recipes that are about eating better and consuming "less of the world's limited food resources") and is actually doing the grocery trip for the week! He seems to be enjoying going through the cupboards to see what we have. I didn't realize how much the grocery shopping and our pantry inventory had become my domain until he pulled out two cans of tomato sauce and asked if it was okay to use them for a recipe :). I actually do love it when Martin cooks - he gets such a charge out of experimenting and creating, and eats his own cooked meals with gusto and enthusiasm!

So, basically we have realized that in a life becoming once again routine, we have forgotten our routines, thus causing us to still live in chaos and crisis mode. So, this weekend I'll be opening up my household computer files and reexamining our meal and chore schedules that we have not been using for months (did I mention we also hired a cleaning service?!), and learn to relish those types of routines while still growing together in intimacy, spirituality, and intellectually!