I've been thinking of my "step"father Danny a lot today. I hate to have to use that word - Step - because I wonder if people who did not know him downplay the importance he had in my life because he wasn't my "real" Dad. Danny did so much to make our blended family one tied together by love and grace. Just the other day Jessica was asking me more questions about my family, and she was surprised when she finally realized that Sheila, Darren, Keri and I were not biological brothers and sisters. I had mentioned that Sheila and I had never lived in the same house and she looked very surprised and confused! I told her the reason she didn't know we hadn't always been family was because of Papa's example, and it was because of his legacy that I know my family will embrace her as if she has always been a part of our clan. I know he would have loved her and she would have loved him. She told me the other night that she feels like she did know him because of the way I talk about him. I can't wait for her to hear more stories from her cousins, aunts, and uncles.
As I watch her struggle to trust Martin as not just her "friend", but her Dad, I think about how much my relationship with Danny brought healing into my life. He helped me to trust men, to know it was okay to rely on a man. He helped me learn that someone can be mad at you but not take love away. He taught me what it meant to love without condition, to be loyal in the toughest of times. I wish he was here because maybe he could help Jessica with the same issues and maybe she would trust Martin more. My greatest joy has been to see the unconditional love that Martin has for her, and my greatest pain is that she has been hurt so much by other people that she isn't sure how to receive a real, pure, love from him. And I have hope, for all of us! Through us she has a number of honest, loyal, even-tempered men in her life now who have embraced her as grandfathers and grandfatherly types, like Papa "Mo", "Grandpa" Gene, Grandpa Tom, Mr. Owens, Mr. Gallagher, and Mr. Carson to name a few! All of them, and most of all a Heavenly Father, will bring healing and courage.
I shared this verse with her last night:
Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing". Please pray that she will see her Heavenly Father as this image reveals - trusting, kind, gentle, and who takes great joy in who she is, and that she would see how Martin's life and love reflect this same God!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Consequences
I just got sad news about a former student. Though I’ve changed towns and through my job at the college meet more and more people, it is amazing how “small” the world can still be. An acquaintance through church called me earlier to inquire about a job opening we have at MMCC. A close friend of his had applied and my acquaintance wanted to know if there was any way I could put in a good word because his friend really needs a job. When he told me the man’s name, it began to trigger a memory for me. He then began to tell me about how the man’s son had been badly beaten last fall and had almost died, and now his parents are caring for him. The father had lost his job recently and desperately needs a job in the area so that he can help care for his son. A clearer picture began to develop in my mind and I asked if the son had ever been a student at MMCC. My acquaintance asked his wife and she confirmed he had been there about 1 ½ years ago but had fallen into the wrong crowd during a rough time and had failed out. I then asked if the son had been in a bad fight once before, and he said “yes, as a matter of fact he was, and he almost died from that beating as well”. I opened up old attendance sheets on my computer, and sure enough this same young man is a former student. I recall this bright, energetic student who was having trouble staying focused on his studies. Sometimes in class he was ‘with’ me and engaged in class. Other times he seemed to be in another world, and a few times I had to even confront him about his rude, inappropriate behavior. About 2/3 of the way through the semester he came to my office hours with photos of his face after a terrible beating he had suffered the spring before. He wanted me to understand that he was dealing with PTSD and anxiety as well as recovering from the head injury from that beating, and apologized for the way he had been behaving. He shared how as a result of that fight, he felt he had lost his friendships and was struggling with family relationships as well. We tried to work out an independent study situation because he was finding it increasingly difficult to sit through class. I remember feeling so heartbroken after that meeting, had even fought tears while he talked to me and felt so burdened for quite some time about the things so many of my students are trying to handle.
I haven’t seen him since that semester ended, and had not heard anything about him until tonight when I learned he had once again been beaten up and this time left for dead. To hear the story from a friend of this young man’s parents made my heart ache all the more, for them and him. Their lives have now been turned upside down as well. It is so hard to see a young person that had so much potential lose his hopes and dreams because of bad decisions – drinking, fighting, drugs, and who knows what else, and to see how two caring parents have to suffer those consequences with him. It’s hard to hear that someone I wanted to help didn’t find as much worth in himself that I saw in him.
Sometimes my students break my heart. Partly because of the subject matter I teach, partly because I’m full time and available to students, and probably because I’m interested in my student’s lives – I tend to hear about some pretty difficult life situations. Sometimes I’m able to help through advice, sometimes just providing words of affirmation, sometimes a reference letter, sometimes by doing or saying things that I learn later made an impact on someone. Martin hears stories like this as well, so I know it isn’t just that I teach Psychology, and I know many of our colleagues have had these experiences also. Many students just need a caring adult who can acknowledge that their life situation is difficult, but to be encouraged that they can get through it. I’m proud to work with other stellar people as well who have compassion for students along with a passion for learning and teaching.
Yesterday I was frustrated with a current student who seemed to be missing the point of her college education. I was venting at a colleague about the lack of motivation and effort I was perceiving. Tonight I’m reminded that there could be a number of reasons why this student is not able to focus on my class. It’s easy to assume she is lazy, unmotivated, or careless. And, that may be true. Or it may be that she is dealing with financial problems, family problems, legal problems, etc. that right now are much more important than introduction to psychology. I am reminded that most of the important teachable moments we have are not when we are delivering a lesson plan, for my students or for me.
When I started working at MMCC, a person from my church questioned why I would teach Psychology at a small community college. She wondered why I would teach in a field that points to the answer to people’s problems everywhere but towards God, and from other conversations I had with that person I think she wondered why I would stay in this area rather than move somewhere else. This is why. I’m developing a sense of history in my location and my vocation and my church, and I think it builds credibility for me with others. It’s a responsibility and a calling that I take seriously and is fulfilling, even though it can sometimes be heartbreaking. Despite hearing that this student continued down a path that almost ended in his death, my mind tonight is also on students whose lives have turned around and are turning around. Just today I had an e-mail from a young man who failed one of my courses last school year, but today wanted me to know that the course he is taking this semester, and the experience he is having in our classroom now, is changing his life. I can’t, and won’t and shouldn’t, take the credit for that. I think a number of factors came together in his life to help him get motivated and serious about his future. But I’m definitely blessed to be a witness to his transformation.
I haven’t seen him since that semester ended, and had not heard anything about him until tonight when I learned he had once again been beaten up and this time left for dead. To hear the story from a friend of this young man’s parents made my heart ache all the more, for them and him. Their lives have now been turned upside down as well. It is so hard to see a young person that had so much potential lose his hopes and dreams because of bad decisions – drinking, fighting, drugs, and who knows what else, and to see how two caring parents have to suffer those consequences with him. It’s hard to hear that someone I wanted to help didn’t find as much worth in himself that I saw in him.
Sometimes my students break my heart. Partly because of the subject matter I teach, partly because I’m full time and available to students, and probably because I’m interested in my student’s lives – I tend to hear about some pretty difficult life situations. Sometimes I’m able to help through advice, sometimes just providing words of affirmation, sometimes a reference letter, sometimes by doing or saying things that I learn later made an impact on someone. Martin hears stories like this as well, so I know it isn’t just that I teach Psychology, and I know many of our colleagues have had these experiences also. Many students just need a caring adult who can acknowledge that their life situation is difficult, but to be encouraged that they can get through it. I’m proud to work with other stellar people as well who have compassion for students along with a passion for learning and teaching.
Yesterday I was frustrated with a current student who seemed to be missing the point of her college education. I was venting at a colleague about the lack of motivation and effort I was perceiving. Tonight I’m reminded that there could be a number of reasons why this student is not able to focus on my class. It’s easy to assume she is lazy, unmotivated, or careless. And, that may be true. Or it may be that she is dealing with financial problems, family problems, legal problems, etc. that right now are much more important than introduction to psychology. I am reminded that most of the important teachable moments we have are not when we are delivering a lesson plan, for my students or for me.
When I started working at MMCC, a person from my church questioned why I would teach Psychology at a small community college. She wondered why I would teach in a field that points to the answer to people’s problems everywhere but towards God, and from other conversations I had with that person I think she wondered why I would stay in this area rather than move somewhere else. This is why. I’m developing a sense of history in my location and my vocation and my church, and I think it builds credibility for me with others. It’s a responsibility and a calling that I take seriously and is fulfilling, even though it can sometimes be heartbreaking. Despite hearing that this student continued down a path that almost ended in his death, my mind tonight is also on students whose lives have turned around and are turning around. Just today I had an e-mail from a young man who failed one of my courses last school year, but today wanted me to know that the course he is taking this semester, and the experience he is having in our classroom now, is changing his life. I can’t, and won’t and shouldn’t, take the credit for that. I think a number of factors came together in his life to help him get motivated and serious about his future. But I’m definitely blessed to be a witness to his transformation.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Waiting...
...I don't wait very well. I've been known to drive in to a fast food restaurant and right back out again if there are a few cars in the drive-thru lane. Martin can attest that I get quite antsy sometimes if I am waiting for him to finish getting ready, to finish talking to someone, to answer what I view as a simple questions. All the more if I'm also hungry...sorry my darling!
It helps if I just don't think about what I'm waiting for, which is partially why we haven't done any updates lately. We are waiting, and have been for quite a few weeks now, for a couple of child assessment reports. In the meantime, we have held off on any more inquiries but it is getting difficult. We want to feel like something is making progress. Its hard not to get into the mind game of the "what ifs". What if someone forgot we needed the report? What if it is lost in the mail? What if, while we wait, we miss out on other opportunities? What if we should be going a different direction? What if we wait all this time and none of these situations work out?
In the last year, we have had many friends and some family have babies or get pregnant. We are so excited about all of these situations, and we rejoice with them. Some of these situations are ones where our friends or family members also waited for a very long time for these moments so we definitely lift our hands to God in gratitude. Even in one situation, our friend had been told when she was a teenager that she could probably never have biological children, yet I held her baby daughter on Christmas Eve! One of my cousins had many miscarriages before Isaac - such a fitting name - was placed in her arms. These testimonies give me hope that God does have perfect timing and a plan perfect for us.
Many years ago at a youth ministry leader retreat, Acey showed a teaching on a video where the man's message (I'm at a complete loss as to who the teacher was - sorry!) showed that the biblical pattern is that God often tells us the "what" He is going to do long before the "how" and the "when". That has stuck with me obviously over all these years, and I know from my past experiences that we are stretched and challenged while we wait for the "what" to come about. But knowing that doesn't always make it an easier time! I know we have things to learn during this time, and things to prepare (emotionally in our lives and logistically in our home). I know that it isn't true that "nothing" is happening and that this is an active time even if it doesn't seem so. But yes, I still do want Abba to give me all the details so I can give my approval and offer Him some suggestions!
It helps if I just don't think about what I'm waiting for, which is partially why we haven't done any updates lately. We are waiting, and have been for quite a few weeks now, for a couple of child assessment reports. In the meantime, we have held off on any more inquiries but it is getting difficult. We want to feel like something is making progress. Its hard not to get into the mind game of the "what ifs". What if someone forgot we needed the report? What if it is lost in the mail? What if, while we wait, we miss out on other opportunities? What if we should be going a different direction? What if we wait all this time and none of these situations work out?
In the last year, we have had many friends and some family have babies or get pregnant. We are so excited about all of these situations, and we rejoice with them. Some of these situations are ones where our friends or family members also waited for a very long time for these moments so we definitely lift our hands to God in gratitude. Even in one situation, our friend had been told when she was a teenager that she could probably never have biological children, yet I held her baby daughter on Christmas Eve! One of my cousins had many miscarriages before Isaac - such a fitting name - was placed in her arms. These testimonies give me hope that God does have perfect timing and a plan perfect for us.
Many years ago at a youth ministry leader retreat, Acey showed a teaching on a video where the man's message (I'm at a complete loss as to who the teacher was - sorry!) showed that the biblical pattern is that God often tells us the "what" He is going to do long before the "how" and the "when". That has stuck with me obviously over all these years, and I know from my past experiences that we are stretched and challenged while we wait for the "what" to come about. But knowing that doesn't always make it an easier time! I know we have things to learn during this time, and things to prepare (emotionally in our lives and logistically in our home). I know that it isn't true that "nothing" is happening and that this is an active time even if it doesn't seem so. But yes, I still do want Abba to give me all the details so I can give my approval and offer Him some suggestions!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
